(Ed’s Note: Huge thanks to Jeff Watson for taking the time to put this together for us. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did.)
by Jeff Watson
Your vision is starting to blur. Your head spins from the noise. You think you’re seeing double. No, you’re not drunk; you’re just trying to keep straight all the candidates for the GOP presidential nomination!
Feeling lost? Then hand over the keys and join We Out Here on a designated drive through…
THE ALCOHOLIC’S GUIDE TO THE GOP PRESIDENTIAL RACE
The Top Shelf:
Herman Cain-Box Wine
Cain, the former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza and sole black member of the Republican party, was treated like a joke for the first several months of his candidacy. With his barely formed opinions on foreign policy and social topics, he floundered for months until his ‘9-9-9’ tax plan caught on with an unhappy conservative base.
Much like the box of wine already in your refrigerator, Cain only gained popularity after all other options were exhausted. The liquor store is closed, your friends drank all the beer, but it’s only eleven and you’ve got drinking to do. Hold your nose and bottoms up: it’s Herman Cain.
Rick Perry-Tequila
He’s a straight shooter, a no nonsense plain talker from down south. A man’s man, he’s ready to roll up his sleeves and get America back to work, Texas-style. How bad could he be?
And yet…
That familiar drawl…the mispronunciations…the glazed look in his eyes…the nervous chuckle… As you raise the shot glass to your lips, somewhere in the back of your head, your brain is yelling at you: ‘DON’T DO IT! WE TRIED THIS TEN YEARS AGO AND IT NEARLY KILLED US!’
Mitt Romney-Flat Mug Root Beer
This is it: the front runner nobody wants. Widely regarded as the only candidate with a chance to beat Obama, he is stale, lukewarm, and isn’t fooling anybody by putting ‘conservative’ in his name.
Do you remember when you would go out for pizza with your parents, and your Dad would get a pitcher of beer? You’d ask for a drink and he’d say, ‘Sure buddy, here’s some beer just for you!’ He’d laugh and smile at you, and you’d laugh back because you had to. And even though you didn’t want stupid old root beer, you would drink it anyway because it was the closest you could get to what you actually wanted.
‘Mitt Romney: Because You Don’t Have A Choice.’
Ron Paul-Moonshine
Dr. Paul inspires a strange kind of loyalty. His Libertarian belief in deregulation gets him fans in the conservative sphere who want fewer taxes and red tape for businesses, and fans in the liberal camp who think anything you can smoke, snort, or inject should be available at Circle K.
There’s a kind of exhilaration to voting for Dr. Paul. The ideas aren’t tested, it’s like nothing you’ve tried before, and damned if some government beauracrat is going to tell you that something is illegal. The Republican party is whipping up a batch of dirty, high proof mash with The Good Doctor, and so what if you won’t be able to see in the morning? That burning taste in your mouth is the taste of freedom. Get a good chaser.
Dollar Shots:
Michele Bachmann-Absinthe
Got a conspiracy theory about President Obama? Meet the author. The craziest member of a party that insists the only reason polar icecaps are melting is illegal immigrants taking our jobs, Bachmann attracts a type of voter most candidates would see as a cause for increasing their secret service detail.
To believe what she says, it helps if you’re having the same hallucinations that she is. Crack open the green bottle, turn on the black light, and pick up your voter registration on the other side of the rabbit hole.
Newt Gingrich-Goldschlaeger
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. Newt Gingrich was regarded as the high-road, intellectual master of the conservative movement before his campaign began. Since then, only one story has been able to follow him around: a one million dollar personal tab at NYC jeweler Tiffany’s, and a ‘brain-storming’ campaign retreat in Hawaii that nearly bankrupted his Presidental bid before it could begin.
When ‘rich’ is in your name though, you have to maintain a certain standard. So keep in mind those little flecks of gold in your drink may have cost you this month’s rent, but when image is everything you can’t afford to say you can’t afford it.
Rick Santorum-O’Doules Non-Alcoholic Beer
When you head to 7-11 on a run halfway through the night, you browse the shelf and see a wealth of tastes. You can picture someone picking up a six pack of Corona, a case of Pabst. When money’s tight you can even go for some Hamm’s, but one spot on the shelf is always full: O’Doules.
Some products defy reason. Here is a product that nobody should want, for which a market shouldn’t exist. But would a retailer stock it if nobody was buying? You shrug, you make your choice, and you move on.
Somebody out there must like what Santorum has to offer; but you sure as hell don’t know who they are.
Jon Huntsman-Western Family Root Beer
All of the benefits of Romney; none of the marketing.