You know what I realized today? I don’t care if my socks match. Not one little bit. I’m sporting the black and white right now—one above the ankle and the other one below it. Would my mom be disappointed? Sure, but that’s what she gets for letting my father get her drunk enough to make me. Also, it’s a great way to scare off serious women. What screams “Do Not Date” quite like a guy who can’t find a pair of matching socks?
Okay. I got that out. Now we can be friends
For anyone that doesn’t know me, I’m like the Master and Commander of unhealthy relationships. I can turn something so pure and beautiful into a Black Eyed Peas concert. Relationships are like snowballs (not because you pee on them before you attack your fat neighbors, but because once things start to compact and build it gets harder to make things work, Or something like that. I’m kind of bullsh*ting this part of the article).
Being the expert I am on all things unhealthy, I wanted to share a few great places to take your partner in Portland if you are in a dysfunctional relationship. (2 Chainz in the backgroud)
Bar XV – Because nothing will help two people who are frustrated with each other quite like alcohol—nothing like some good old fashioned fuel for the fire. I know whenever I’m in an unhealthy space with a girl it helps me to get liquored up and say a bunch of things I’m going to regret in the morning. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve said “I don’t think I said that last night” I could probably afford to pick up when collections calls. I think my favorite part about XV is the fact that they don’t play any “boo boo” music. That means there is no chance for you to get tricked into remembering why you like each other due to the soft sounds of Jodeci in the background.
Bunk Sandwiches – A great cure for the hangover and an all-around great environment for arguing with your significant other. It’s usually packed so the five to ten people standing around you will know exactly why your love life is falling apart. I know I like to be the first one to take the whole “maturity” factor out of the situation. “What would your mom say about how you’re acting right now?” is a great start. I normally finish with a “whatever, you’re stupid” just to top it off. The food at Bunk is exceptionally great in all the wrong ways. It is so good that you might even forget that you hate each other for a moment.
The Blue Hour– Not that my broke ass has ever stepped foot in there, but according to Google it’s expensive, and everybody knows when things get tough in a relationship the best way to fix it is by spending money. The only way a woman can really tell how much you love her, is by how much money you spend on her and how much attention you give her while you spend it. I’ve been a struggling white rapper long enough to have this figured out. But word, the menu has a bunch of fancy pants names my small town heritage won’t allow me to pronounce, so I know it’s a good, classy spot with the ability to help mend a broken relationship.
OMSI– If you do something to really get your girl mad, a good way to avoid ending up on first 48 is getting out of your house. It seems like the walls that surround you only help amplify the problems you are facing as lovers. I hate thinking, I really do, but I do like looking at things. OMSI is a great place to blankly stare at a bunch of really cool and interesting looking things. On top of that, other couples will also be there. Nothing makes two people love each other more than a little competition. I absolutely love OMSI. Anytime I learn I get really tired, and that means I will be way too exhausted for any amount of baby mama drama.
The truth is unhealthy relationships can be horrifying. But, as long as the sexual chemistry is still there it’s all worth it. In order to keep things going in that hot and cold “I hate you, I love you” kind of way, get out of the house and do something.
This is Portland, it rains like urry day, but you still have to get out there and show your overly dramatic relationship off. In all honesty I hope you guys do not commit to unhealthy relationships—avoiding me is a good start. It’s like I always say “All my ex’s are stupid, not because they left me, but because they decided to date me in the first place”.
Rock star swag, money by the rubber band.
Lv Out