Man, I went outside this morning and it was so cold my nipples hurt. Is that what pregnancy feels like? It made me really happy to realize that I will never get pregnant–no matter how many stupid decisions I make throughout my life. I know that is a weird way for me to get started, but I felt it was necessary to get that out.
Okay, I spend a lot of time thinking about women. I really don’t know what else I would be thinking about if I wasn’t, maybe self-improvement? Whatever. Anyway, after having my heart brutally torn from my chest (for no reason at all, or at least not one that could be my fault), I’ve realized it truly is what is on this inside that matters.
Now, outside of mama bear I’ve taken a total of three girls seriously in life (counted twice just to make sure). Of those three, two were really hot, the other one not as much, but still consistently doable. All three of them happened to be light skinned; I’m a white rapper, and that is what we do.
I’m writing this still pissed off about returning my Red Box DVD two days late, but I’m not getting soft. Maybe I’m just growing up, but I hope not. The girl I dated who was not as hot did everything for me without me even asking: cooked, cleaned, and brought me Gatorades in the morning when I was too hung over to clean up the puke on her floor. I don’t know what else I could have asked for? But me being the rapper that I am, I broke it off with her thinking I could do better.
The two hotties I dated were nice, caring, and made me want to put my pull my brain out with a vice grip. Wouldn’t it be cool if girlfriends had an “Off” button. (No, not a “mute” button. A button that would just completely shut them down. Sometimes even their body language is too much put up with–you know when they do that both hands on the hip why didn’t you call me last night evil stare thing. Ugh.)
Dating a beautiful woman is awesome. Everybody looks at them, your father is jealous, and all your friends make derogatory comments about her to let you know they truly care. Above all else she knows she can find another you in under a week’s time so get ready to start making sacrifices.
My mom always told me personality is what matters, but she also told me Santa and the Easter Bunny were real so I always took her as a god damn liar. Little did I know mama Lv was spot on. Dating someone with a great heart can only motivate you to do better in life. On top of that, if she isn’t super hot no one will try to steal her. There is nothing worse than having some shirtless bro steal your girl while you’re trying to get your rap career going.
Now I can’t lie, I miss the hell out of the kind hearted woman I dated, but she’s moved on. I can’t allow myself to get in the middle of that. Plus, her new boyfriend is like 6’5” so you know his d*ck is way bigger than mine. I’m sure I’ll find another nice girl someday, and hopefully she’ll be as into Madden as I am.
Most of the time I don’t even believe my own crap, but in this case I really do. The cute girl is almost always nicer than the hot girl, but damn, that hot girl is really hot. I always try to look forward to the future and not dwell on the past but who knows, I could have missed out on a golden opportunity thinking I needed to date the hot girl. The two weeks it lasts with the hot girl are always really nice, but then she finds someone who doesn’t rap. It has happened with every hot girl that has entered my life so far.