That moment when you sound like your father… That Friday night that you’d rather stay in than go out… We’re growing up, guys (some of us faster than others). If you can’t see it, let me point it out for you. Here are ten things you don’t even realize you do, that make you an adult (and that will help you pull similarly adult women, not girls):
1. Splurge on double-ply toilet paper
When given the option of beer-only or sand-paper-on-your-ass-only, youngins choose beer. As an adult, not only do you splurge on double-ply toilet paper, you also buy it in bulk. At this point, you’d rather (and can afford to) spend five more dollars to buy twelve plush rolls, instead of four rolls and a pack of cigarettes.
2. When you spend the night at someone’s house, you make the bed for them
Just because you’re an adult, doesn’t mean you have to make good decisions 100% of the time. After a one-night stand, no one expects you to make their bed…get out! But after staying the night at that certain someone’s, especially if you’re the last one out of that certain someone’s bed…make it! It’s nice for them (who doesn’t like to come home to a bed that Daddy made?), and it makes you look good (your lady will think you always make your own bed…ha!).
3. Own things like band aids and kleenex
Adults own band aids—yes, even adults that don’t have children. Youngins wrap one-ply TP around their cuts and try to keep it on by twisting and tying it (I’ve been there…not too long ago), but adults (who rarely need band aids anyways) walk to the medicine cabinet, calmly disinfect wounds with rubbing alcohol, then wrap it in a band aid. Effortless. Like band aids, youngins use shitty TP to blow their nose too. Adults think ahead and buy kleenex before cold and allergy seasons. Even if you’re not one to blow your nose much, an adult buys tissues for their guests. (Pro Tip: I like the lotion-infused tissues, both Kleenex and Puff brands make them.)
4. Put on your shoes…not sitting on the floor
Oh man, when was the last time you put on your shoes while sitting on the floor? Long ago, I hope. I did this for the last time of my life a few months ago. I nearly fell on my way down and grunted on my way up. Once up, I had to dust off my butt, and then I had to dust off my hands. At that point my hair was also messed up (guys, it’s unlikely that you’ll have this problem) and my heart rate was high. What a sloppy way to start my morning. Adults obviously don’t put on their shoes while sitting on the floor.
5. Buy expensive alcohol
I’ve had some great [horrible] memories [they’re fuzzy] with Northwest favorite [sarcasm] HRD. HRD is the worst… I remember when I upgraded to Burnett’s. Burnett’s is the second worse. Now, I don’t even think twice about buying expensive alcohol. (Wine is different. Cheap wine tastes exactly the same as $100-bottle wine. Right?) I guess you can say I’m an adult now. (Maybe?)
6. Ask if you should take your shoes off in someone’s home
The adult, and polite, thing to do as you walk into someone’s home is to ask if they’d like you to take your shoes off. Even if your shoes are clean, they don’t know that. Even if your socks don’t match or your feet stink, they might not care. Adults are good guests.
7. Don’t grocery shop before each meal, keep food in your house
Imagine a full refrigerator! Imagine a pantry stacked high with snacks and cans, oils and spices! Imagine cupboards full of clean dishes, pots, and pans! Still imagining? You’re not an adult. An adult has all these things, all the time.
8. Make coffee at home in the mornings
Just because adults can afford daily Stumptown coffee, doesn’t mean they drink daily Stumptown coffee. If you’re making your coffee at home, you might be a responsible adult.
9. Take your clothes to the dry cleaners
This says dry clean only, but I can throw it in the machine, right? Wrong. If you take your clothes to the dry cleaners, you may be growing up. Likewise, at the end of the day if you put your dirty clothes in a hamper and your clean clothes folded in a drawer, instead of mixing everything together in a pile on the floor, you may be growing up (and finally practicing decent hygiene).
10. Don’t plan vacations around how many people you can pile in one hotel room
Freshman year, President’s Day weekend, Sunriver…aka Real World 2008. Did we pile fifteen people in small quarters because A) we were broke B) we liked the drama C) we were stupid or D) all of the above? D. Adults book vacations how they want to, when they want to. They don’t worry about saving money; all the opposite, that’s why they’re able to take a vacation! And they don’t worry about the other’s in their party; again, all the opposite, they’re taking a vacation to get away from worrying.
If you find yourself guilty of seven or more, it’s safe to say, you’re becoming an adult. Less than seven, and it’s safe to say…PARTY ON!