My neighbors suck. Literally. Like, all the time. They are like rabbits. Loud, LOUD rabbits. If you know my neighbors, feel free to pass this post on to them.
1. Don’t let your neighbors catch you making a run for it
You know, making a run for it? Those four feet from the bathroom to your bedroom, where if your neighbors happen to be looking out the window on the side of their kitchen they can see you… Or the run from your bedroom to the dryer, where if they happen to be sitting in their living room in-line with the window they can see you… By all means, make a run for it if you have to—sometimes you just don’t have a towel; or there’s no point in getting dressed, just to get undressed, just to get redressed with what’s in the dryer. Just don’t get caught. And if you do get caught…just don’t make eye contact.
2. Don’t let your neighbors see you having sex
Likewise, don’t have sex in that area between the bathroom and your bedroom, or between your bedroom and the dryer. Do it in the kitchen, the living room, the nook, wherever; but don’t do it in-line of windows during normal “at home” hours. This isn’t a rule, just a suggestion for being a good neighbor. If you want to get freaky and don’t mind the awkwardness when you walk out your front door, then do it. Or do it, but with the blinds closed maybe?
3. Don’t let your neighbors hear you having sex
The only thing worse than your neighbors seeing you having sex, is your neighbors hearing you having sex. If they see you, they might laugh. If they hear you, they might get pissed off, throw up, tear apart their room looking for earplugs, etc. Trust me, I know. My neighbors have sex around 2 a.m. every morning. I’d be fine with right before bed at 11 p.m. or just before my alarm goes off at 7 a.m., but 2 a.m. on a weekday??? Rude and awkward cringe / tingle inducing…*
4. Take your neighbors treats when you / they first move in
Nothing cliché here. Seriously, take your new neighbors treats. I took mine a plate of cookies. And guys, they don’t have to be homemade—it’s the thought that counts. Other ideas: take them (especially for older and / or female neighbors) flowers, or booze. So even if you’re a bad neighbor down the road, at least you can say you kicked things off on a good foot.
5. Let your neighbors know before you have a party
A rule I learned as a rebel at Sprague High School: Inform your neighbors before you throw a party. The last thing you want is your neighbors calling the cops on a petty noise complaint.
6. Invite your neighbors to the party
Even better? An extra courteous neighbor will not only inform their neighbors before having a party, they will also invite them to the party! If your neighbors are old and weird, invite them…they probably won’t come anyways. If your neighbors are four hotties, invite them…and invite them over to pre-funk before the party too!
7. Don’t bug your neighbors
Aside from letting your neighbors know you’re having a party, you’re going out of town for an extended period of time, you know who egged their car, etc., don’t bug them! Good neighbors aren’t annoying. Don’t try to sell them stuff. Don’t talk to them in their driveway when they’re obviously on their way out. Say hi when you’re both checking the mail, but don’t linger…in fact, maybe a brief wave / head nod / smile is better.
8. Love your neighbor as yourself
“Love your neighbors as yourself” should be one of the easiest (maybe only) Commandments you stick to. Be nice! Water their plants if you’re out watering yours and see theirs are browning. Pick up their newspaper if the paperboy missed their porch by a long shot. Offer to feed and walk their dogs when they go out of town. Don’t steal from your neighbors. And don’t sleep with your neighbor’s girl.
9. Don’t take your neighbors’ parking spot
You know what your neighbors’ car looks like. Your neighbor knows what your car looks like. Don’t take their parking spot. That’s how people get their doors keyed!
10. Give your neighbors your phone number
And last, but not least… Give your neighbor your phone number. Exchanging phone numbers at the same time you’re introducing yourself and delivering cookies / flowers / booze is ideal. If they are good neighbors themselves, they won’t use your number to bug you; there’s just a certain peace of mind in transparency and in knowing that if they need to ask a favor (“Turn your damn music down before I call the cops!”) they can.
Amen.
*UPDATE 9/25/2012: The neighbor and her BF broke up!!!!!