We’ve covered what to do, what not to do, what to wear, and what not to wear… However, not everyone reads WOHM so despite our swaggy educational efforts, unsuccessful-unstylish-douchebag-rappers still exist in the PNW.
Identify them and avoid them.
1. Close talkers
By the time you’ve identified a close talker it’s usually too late. They have loud voices, which means they’re not only talking, but they’re yelling in your ear. They’re heavy-breathing on you and contaminating your personal space. You can smell what they last ate. As soon as you’ve identified a close talker, act like you can’t hear what they’re saying (you can), smile and nod (both fake), act awkward (at this point you’re hardly pretending), and walk away.
2. Touchy-feely people
Touchy-feely people are bearable when everyone’s drunk…bros high five, women flirt, etc. But when you’re sober, touchy-feely people are the worst. Like a close talker, by the time you’ve identified one, it’s often too late. They’re admiring your shirt…with their hand on your bicep. They’re asking about the strength of your prescription…while trying on your glasses. They’re saying I love you man …and won’t let go. Even when you try to walk away from them…they put their hand on your shoulder as if you’re leading the way for you to go somewhere together. So, you’ve IDed the touchy-feely person. Now, how do you break loose? Yell, “STOP TOUCHING ME!”
3. People who wear sunglasses indoors
People who wear their sunglasses indoors aren’t even people—they’re douchebags. I bet the sunglasses are white ones too. I bet the sunglasses are resting on a spray-tanned face, a few inches below spiked hair, and a few inches above a popped collar. Avoid douchebags wearing sunglasses indoors. They’re easy to spot.
4. Men who drive big, lifted trucks
Bros who drive big, lifted trucks have:
– Something to hide
– Something to prove
– Low self-esteem
– Small penises
– No respect for the environment
– And often have nothing heavy to move, no horses to transport, and own zero equipment to attach (if they do, they are exempt from this list)
5. Girls waiting alone by the bar
She’s a seven (more likely a five, but you’re drunk), alone at the bar, one hand leaning on the bar, another hand twirling her hair, one leg straight, another resting on the lower bar’s footrest, and those eyes… She’s looking… For someone… To buy her a drink so she can rejoin her girls on the dance floor. Don’t do it. She’s just another hustler.
6. Braless women
Au contraire, do do [Editor’s note: Insert Friends ‘do do’ scene, which is impossible to find on YouTube, here] women who go braless at bars. Buy her a drink, follow her to the dance floor, and then take her home. Don’t get her number, though. Braless women are trouble and the type of women you want to avoid. Like men who drive big, lifted trucks, they often have something to hide or to prove. Don’t get too involved.
7. Orange spray tans
The only think good about orange spray tans is… They make hands looks diseased. They smell like stale waffles. They make skin glow in the dark. They stain light-colored clothing. They’re expensive. J/k. There’s nothing good about orange spray tans!
8. Gym grunters
You work out. You want friends who work out. You want to work out with your friends. As you try a new workout buddy, be careful not to give him your regular gym schedule too soon. Let the first time working out together be a test, not a promise, and find out if he is a gym grunter. Loud. Awkwardly sexual. Attention drawing. This person can be your drinking buddy, camping buddy, rap buddy…anything other than your gym buddy.
9. Rappers who have more tattoos than completed tracks
Many of my friends are rappers and many of my friends have tattoos. Thank God my rapper friends with tattoos are successful though! There’s nothing worse than a rapper (or any person for that matter) who talks the talk, but doesn’t walk the walk. If you say you’re a rapper, finish your tracks, release your tracks, collab with other artists, and keep it 100 on the outside and the inside.
10. Rappers who consistently have 25+ tracks on their mixtapes
Opposite to Number Nine, don’t be THAT RAPPER who’s soooo successful that he has 50 mixtapes with 25+ tracks on each of them. Is that really success? Or… Is that a guy with too much time on his hands? Is that quantity over quality? Is that spammy? Is that the type of rapper you’d sign? Or… Is that the type of person you’d avoid?