Say Cheese, ya bish!

Hey folks! I don’t know about you, but I just got home from a long day at work. I’m feeling a little tired and haggard and I know exactly what I need to do to change my disposition. That’s right; bathroom selfies!

My first ever bathroom selfie, circa 2004
My first ever bathroom selfie, circa 2004

For whatever reason, taking bathroom pics when I’m down cheers me up a bit. Something about conceit and self-absorption makes the crappy world we live in that much more pleasant. Probably because it gives us the chance to ignore everything and focus on ourselves. And aren’t ourselves so wonderful?

Now, we could live mundane lives, take occasional duckface pictures and post them on twitter. But we here at WOHM are not about the mundane. We’re about the totally freaking awesome. #SoSwagBro

The only thing more awesome than posting selfies is transforming yourself into a certified Instagram model. But, how does one become an Instagram model?

Thanks for asking? You guys ask the best questions.

Here’s Your Official Ratcheteer‘s step by step guide to becoming an Instagram model. Hope you got your notepad ready. Class is now in session.

Step One: Put your look together.

Many people think that Instagram models simply pose and click. Au contraire. There is a well thought out process one must go through first. Your clothes, make-up and hair need to be on point before you get in that mirror. The key is to accentuate the positive and completely hide the negative.

For starters, throw on a small tank top and a pair of leggings. If you’re feeling more commercial than couture, a pair of booty shorts and an off-the-shoulder shirt will suffice.

Make-up is easy. Cake it on. cover those blemishes, make your lips look bigger, draw those eyebrows on right. Sure, you’re only taking a bathroom pic at home, but you must always look your best.

Moving on to hair, you have a couple of options. The top-bun is classic, sleek and hides the fact that you may or may not have a full head of hair. Combing your $3.99/pack weave over one shoulder is also a popular choice. If your hair is incredibly too short for a bun and you spent your weave money on a dub, you can always throw on a head scarf. It also gives the illusion that you actually know how to do housework.

Step Two: Scene set up

Since you probably don’t actually know how to do house work, its best to do a test shot to see how much of that pile of dirty clothes shows in your picture. Make sure all used toiletries and diapers are out of sight as well. Now get some windex and scrub the mirror good to enhance the quality of your photos.

Step Three: Picking the Proper Pose (hurray for alliteration #nerdlife)

Every good Instagram model knows exactly how much toot to put on their booty. Too much looks awkward. Not enough reveals your nassatall affliction. Turn your body away from the mirror at a 30 degree angle, drop one hip and toot that boot. If you’re a bit uncoordinated. Put one high heel on and it will toot naturally.

Don’t forget your face. If your eyes are crossed or lazy or bloodshot from that dub you just hit, squint your eyes ever so slightly. To hide those yellow/crooked/missing teeth, duckface!

Now put one hand on your hip or use your arm to cover up that gut and *click*

Before & After
Before & After

Step Four: Repeat step three with a slightly different pose.

Step Five: Edit the sh*t out that mofo.

You have to crop out the mess, post the two pictures side by side using a grid program, apply at least 3 different filters to make you look like less of a gremlin and put an interesting caption on it.

Step Six: Post It

Once your picture is edited make sure you upload it on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter for all to see.

You are now officially an Instagram model. *applause*

Bonus Step: Confuse people

The day after uploading the picture and receiving all the attention you wanted in the first place, complain that people are thirsty.