Brrrrrr. *Birdman handrub* You feel that chill? Its nature’s way of reminding you that you’re single, lonely and now that summer’s coming to an end, you’re cold, too. Some call it fall. The fancy folks call it autumn. But the ratchets call it cuffing season and it is certainly upon us.
So how does one get cuffed and secure their cuddle buddy during the cold months? First let me explain the significance of the season. You spend your summer bopping, walking down busy streets wearing booty shorts pretending to be annoyed by the cat calls, turning up at the club 2-5 days a week and attending sporting exhibitions to scout your next dead beat baby dad. But once that wet weather is back, there’s no way you’re getting rain on your weave so you stay in the house. And while you’re stuck in the house, you’re definitely going to want someone there with you. It’s not like you can get the attention you got all summer twerking at day parties.
Now here are a few tips to help you get chose…n. Since I know you’ve got a Maury episode to watch, I’ll try to make this as simple and easy as you are.
Offer your services. Let me tell you how I got chose last season and eventually secured a permanent position. He had a show to get to and needed a sitter, I watched his kids. He needed his dreads done, I washed and twisted them. His car was out of commission, I picked him up from work. Basically, any situation where he coulda called up Becky or LaToya and paid them to get something done, I did it for free. You want a man to yourself? You gotta make sure he doesn’t have a reason to get anything from another woman.
COOK! Attached to the above, cooking is one of those services you can offer frequently. I know it’s not 1935, but I cannot stress enough how important it is for a young ratchet to know how to cook. In this weather, ol’ boy isn’t going to want to go to the food carts on his lunch break and wait 20 minutes for his food. Therefore, if you know how to cook (which every human being over the age of 18 should) he may consider drafting you so he can take leftovers to work to save money and avoid getting drenched. And make sure you post plenty of pics of your skills on Instagram. How else will he know since he never comes over your house before 11pm?
***Hamburger Helper does not qualify***
Learn to love football and basketball. The hardest part about getting cuffed is that you not only have to compete with other females, you’ve gotta compete with Peyton Manning and Lebron James too. Cuffing season spans over football season and a large part of basketball season as well so guess what he’ll be doing while you’re trying to cuddle? If you complain about football or ask why number 11 just got in trouble for standing under the hoop for a few seconds, he’s probably not going to want you around. Even if you just leave him to watch sports alone, he’d probably just go watch with his boys. So read up, watch some sports center and fake it til you make it.
Go to NW Hip-hop Music Fest and the like. Ok, this is the northwest so chances are, the guy who chooses you will be a rapper and/or producer. And guess where you’ll be able to find them? Tonight some of the best of them will be at Kelly’s Olympian checking out WOHM’s showcase featuring Cassow, Thaddeus David, Stewart Villain and the ever so classy Load B. Just like with sports, you’ve gotta pay attention to what the man likes and fake like you like it too. And if you’re going to slide thru Kelly’s tonight, make sure you say hi to me and Mac Smiff as we get our WOHM on.
I hope that wasn’t too confusing. And I surely hope you took notes. Stay ratchet my friends and good luck getting cuffed.
#OutHere