By Dustin Ponzoha
What up, what up, what up (annoying Dj siren, P Diddy like explosions, and white girls screaming). Lv back up in this b*tch one mo’ ‘gin, to break down step by step just how you should go about receiving scandalous pictures via text. Legggoo!
1. Make contact. This is without a doubt the most important step, and it can include any number of variables. If we exchange numbers…I like to wait until she texts me first. Don’t be a pushy little perv. If there is one thing I’ve leaned from all my years of being a total creep, it’s women don’t like it when you’re a total creep. Don’t just come out and say “Hey, can you send me a picture of you?”. That’s what rappers do, and she is no fool, she knows you don’t want her self-portrait. We came to get the goods, so be patient. You must stalk the deer before you kill it (sometimes you might get lucky and hit one after a night of drinking on the highway, but it is best to not take chances here).
2. Be Funny. Making a woman laugh is the easiest and most affective way to getting her naked. Marilyn Monroe even said it, and she’s the poster child for scandalous behavior–so you know she knows what she’s talking about. Don’t send smiley faces that aren’t humor related either. I only use smiley faces for argumentative purposes. If she sends, “Dustin, you’re a complete asshole, I cannot believe I ever let you sleep with me”, I’ll calmly respond with “;)”. Back to my point, be funny and don’t be overly aggressive. She’s not going to sleep with you if you beg her, same goes with getting that first scandalous picture.
3. Let her lead the dance. Women like to think that whatever they are doing is their idea. I cannot count how many times I’ve looked a woman straight in the eyes and said “I totally didn’t plan on us having sex tonight”. Bullsh*t, I brought 4 condoms just in case. Last girl I got an inappropriate pic from said something like “I’m such a sexual person”. JACKPOT! I knew you were you little devil woman you. Still, be patient. Don’t just start firing off meat pics like you’re Greg Oden. Build on the fact that she is a sexual person and remember to not let your inner creep out of prison yet.
4. The Kill. Lets be honest, she knew by step two that she was willing to send you some pictures. You played her annoying little game and kept it cool. Now its time to reap your reward. She’ll probably warm up with a cute picture of her shoes or maybe even the little puppy she pretends to take care of. After the half an hour of sweet talk and getting to know each other she hits the send button and you now know exactly what you’re working with. Well, kind of. If the first picture she sends you isn’t amazing, stop talking to her immediately. It’s not like its going to get any better from there. Act surprised, no need to tell her all the dirty explicit things you would do to that ass. This is someone’s daughter remember (haha, I made myself laugh when I wrote that). If you play it cool like you have been you might end up with 5 or 6 different background options for the next week or so.
5. Forward. It is the responsibility of every man to forward and share these such pictures with all of your closest friends. After all, its not like you have feelings for her, and if you already do, stop being my friend. Let everyone get a peek, rate, share and debate the finer aspects. If she doesn’t have a twitter or a crazy older brother feel free to send these pictures out to the followers on twitter. I know I have, although I’ve calmed it down now that I have no idea who is actually following me. So remember, play it cool, be funny and hold off on the perverted comments for as long as possible. They may shut this whole thing down.
Final thoughts. If you got this girls number from twitter or facebook throw out everything I said and go straight for the kill. She may not even know your real name, and is more than likely chemically imbalanced. Also take into consideration how many other men have seen these same pictures before you go celebrating. Most girls I like to find myself associating with have a stockpile of such pictures ready to be given out. Notice where her hands are; if she isn’t holding the camera phone herself, most likely her poor boyfriend is (not that this should make you feel bad or anything).
I wish all of you a tremendous amount of luck on collecting scandalous pictures; I know my phone is flooded with them. Remember, it’s not your job to be the one sending pictures of yourself. If you do, don’t be mad when she turns around and shares them with the girls.
Lv out