Photography by Sandi Elle

By Andrew Martin

Summer is wedding season and weddings are, for the most part, fun for everyone. There’s never anything wrong with abundant music, food, and alcohol. I went to a wedding a few days ago and it was all those great things. It was also an hour away from Portland (Where I live) in St. Paul (Where I don’t live/care about/want to visit). If you’re gonna get married, do everyone a favor and get married close to where the majority of them live. Imagine getting an invitation saying, “to all of our neighbors in Portland, we’re getting married in Buenos Aires and you’re invited. If you don’t come, we’ll be disappointed.” Obviously that’s an exaggeration… but not much. However, that’s not the only negative of weddings. Others include:

Gift Wrap

My annoyance is true of gift wrap in general. I had to wrap a gift for the wedding and the first thing that pissed me off was not being able to wrap it in newspaper. I was nice enough to even get them a gift, why does it matter how they receive it? If they don’t want it in newspaper I’ll just keep it. And, they are gonna feel really stupid when they realize it was a kilo of cocaine with an approximate street value of $20,000. Enjoy your toaster, assholes. Also, when you go into the store, there’s only event specific wrapping paper. They write the damn event on the paper so you can’t reuse it without being looked at funny. Fat chance wrapping a wedding gift in the paper with racecars that says, “happy birthday.”

The Bride and Groom

I don’t have a problem with the newlyweds themselves, I just feel like the wedding sucks for them. They have to spend weeks planning an event so people like me can get drunk on their dollar, then they spend the rest of the night being pestered by aunts and uncles they don’t really want to talk to anyway. They have to keep having the same trite conversations when all they’re thinking is, “I want to get drunk and bone my new spouse.” Then there are all the boring speeches they have to listen to, where each person says, “grow together,” half a dozen times.

It should also be noted that the wedding sort of sucks all-around for the groom. To begin with, the wedding is all about the bride. Then you have to factor in that if she’s ugly, everyone is thinking, “Why is he marrying that cow/ogre?” Or, if she’s hot, all the other guys at the wedding are thinking, “fuck him.” Then he has enemies for life because he took some dime-piece off the market.

Kim Kardashian’s Wedding

This obviously isn’t about weddings in general, but about the circus-like circumstances of Kim K’s wedding. She is marrying Kris Humphries who, from all appearances, is a total idiot (perfect match?). He only confirmed his stupidity by agreeing to marry her. Who can honestly say that they knew who Kris Humphries was (or is) before he got engaged to her? Damn near nobody. For those who don’t know, his limited levels of fame are attributable to his meager basketball skills. Now what will he be known for? Kris Humphries will be known as the guy who married that one hot girl that brandy’s brother fucked on tape. I know the previous sentence is obscene, but I just wanted to really put it in perspective. It’s also worth noting that on tabloids it’s know as, “Kim’s wedding,” or, “Kim’s Engagement.” The celebrity marriage of the month, William and Kate’s, was reported with equal coverage of both. Instead, it’s Her Royal highness of vapidity and the guy she is marrying. Kris Humphries is a sucker.

All that being said, I love going to weddings because I can, nine times out of ten, dance better than the bride and groom. If you’re getting married this summer or any summer to come, feel free to invite me. Just expect your gift to suck and come in race-car gift wrap.