Go to SXSW! There is no other place in the world where you can see Timbaland perform for free. In the VIP section. With Kid Espi. As an artist, I went to SX with the upmost intention of keeping things professional, getting a behind the scenes look at all the events, and making the most of an amazing learning experience. A few Adderalls and shots of whiskey later I said, “F*ck that” in a drunken mumble and got my party boy on.
My first night on 6th street downtown was madness. I’ve never seen so many people on one street in my entire life, I’m from Corvallis dog. This sh*t was like Hogwarts on drugs. Chicks were dressed like skanks, bro’s were being loud, and there was dope live music everywhere. We
took a few more shots, then packed into a little bar in the middle of the madness. I have no recollection of what it was called, but that’s not important. We thought Slaughterhouse was going to be performing, and I let my full ignorance show by explaining to everyone how much Slaughterhouse “sucks”. But, that’s another story for another day. Lesson 1 from SXSW was learned: Lots of artists get too drunk to show up — understandably. Still, we partied until 5 in the morning.
After a few hours of sleep and another dose of Adderall, I was right back at it. My guy Chi Duly had a showcase; I went and supported, but mostly just drank and talked about Adderall. That night we partied at the Illmore. Long story short it’s like a frat house where all the artists and industry people go. Why they let me in I may never know. I’m not the type of guy that gets caught up in stars, I actually have no respect for people that do. “OMG That’s Justin Timberlake”…So while I was downstairs talking about the mistreatment of black quarterbacks in the NFL, Meek Mill was performing House Party upstairs. That’s cool or whatever, but I’m trying to drink. Later on some well known DJ’s came and tore the place down, that’s cool too. I was downstairs blacked out asking people if they knew where I could find a football. A little while later a pretty blonde came up to me and said, “OMG Mac Miller is here!” to which I responded, “Who’s that?”. Didn’t go over well. Call me a grump, but I’m not about to freak out over another human that isn’t my mother. Swag.
The next night we did the same thing. Even more stars came rushing into the Illmore. Groupies clung to the walls like flies on a mid-August night. I’ve never seen anything like it. Big Sean walks by with his crew, then 10 chicks come clicking their heels right behind (clack, clack, clack, clack, “oh my god!”, clack, clack,clack). Man, that had me so motivated to blow up. Who doesn’t want hoards of chicks following them around? It started getting late — 5 AM to be exact — and my boy Mikey and I decided to leave. On our way out we saw something that changed my life forever: Hopping out of a van was one of my favorite rappers of all time, Beanie Sigel. After he stepped out, he nearly fell flat on his face in a drunken stumble off of the curb. His boy grabbed his arm at that pivotal he-might-actually-hurt-himself moment and they kept it moving. Once out of earshot (of course) we burst into laughter. I just saw the “Broad Street Bully” almost eat sh*t. Ahh, what a night.
The next day I did something that was very important to me: I saw Riff Raff perform. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DuxA9BV8Jzk, in case you have no idea who Riff Raff is.) Wiz and Chevy were there as well but whatever. All I knew was that Riff Raff was going to shut the place down. Well, he ended up eating shrooms before he went on and had a hard time remembering his lyrics (understandable). So, he was as underwhelming as one might expect. That night I stayed in and called my mom. Too much sun, not enough food, and even more Adderall.
The final night of mayhem we met up with Espi. I had no idea how funny he was in person — maybe it was the Adderall — but he kept me rolling the entire night. Cool Nutz hooked us up with VIP passes to the Perez Hilton event. That was nuts. Some Portland heavyweights tore the place down while I prowled the place for cheap alcohol like a pirate returning to shore, or something vivid like that. I’d have to say that Timbaland put on one of the dopest performances I’ve ever seen. He even trumped my last performance at Berbati’s. He looked good too, like, the “I stopped taking steroids” kind of good. That night we returned to the Illmore for more madness only to be let down. Apparently, 40 Glock told some people he would kill them. With a name like 40 Glock, I might consider his threats reasonable. So, shout out to 40 Glock for ruining my night. Why don’t you go back to beating up The Game and punking Lil Wayne on camera and let me enjoy myself.
Despite of all the BS, SXSW was freaking amazing. I can’t wait to go back next year as an artist with my own showcases and completely blow them away with my new found love for Adderall. But seriously, if you ever get the opportunity to go, please do so. Even if you do run into 40 Glock, I’m sure the trip will be worth it.
But check it! I’m going to start covering the Seahawks. No one loves football as much as me, and as a 7th grade backup quarterback, no one has the knowledge of the game I posses. We swagged out shawty.
Lv Out