“Ding dong the witch is dead! Oh wait, here’s comes an even worse witch.”

Upon learning of the demise of the Chalupa giveaway program I found myself confronted by equal parts sorrow and joy. Sorrow because it meant the end of the wonderful Donate Your Chalupa program, and joy because it meant the end of the wonderful Donate Your Chalupa program.

ChalupaFor those who have been living in a cave for the last two NBA seasons, the DYC program has collected over 20,000 transferrable “chalupons” and donated them to local outreach agencies such as Janus Youth, who then redistributed them to Portland’s most vulnerable population – street kids. The coupons not only entitled the bearer to a warm Chalupa, but also access to a clean, safe place to use the restroom, which is even rarer on the streets than the warm meal.

    (Sidenote: Portland is the only NBA team to have it’s Chalupa program cancelled — coincidence?)

Here’s the flip side though. If you were living in a cave then I envy you. It means you were dry. I wasn’t. I was wet, I was cold, we were standing in the rain asking people to give us fast food. We rarely had any help and people treated us like we were asking them for spare change. I hated that job. I haven’t watched the 4th quarter of a home game in 2 years. I used to have to ask the cab drivers to turn up the volume in their cars so I could stand in the rain and listen to Wheels hopefully count up to 100.

    anytime I wasn’t stoned I was miserable.
    but we did it for the kids…

Okay, now lets fast forward to Sunday evening. I got a text message from a reliable source that informed me of a big announcement coming from the Blazers regarding a new partnership to replace the Chalupas. I remember laying in bed speculating on what fantastic new (hopefully local, hopefully healthy) companies the Blazers could pair up with. I figured that whatever it is, it has to be better than Taco Bell. I was stretching my moral fabric pretty thin as it was to be giving kids such low quality food, and was excited about the prospect of something healthier — especially since the team just sold their naming rights to a health insurance provider. Whether any of the new giveaway ever made it to the hands of Portland’s most vulnerable, it would be nice as a Blazer fan and a citizen of Portland to see healthier options available.

So  imagine my surprise when I woke up Monday morning to find out the McBlazers sold out the McCity and signed a 5 year deal to giveaway McCrap. That’s some effin McBullshit. I have now had a full day and a half to process my anger and bewilderment. Is there any company that could be further away from the terms “healthy” or “local”? We’re talking about a company who’s very name is a synonym for everything wrong in a society plagued by obesity. How could the McBlazers management have seen this as a good idea? A blind man could see this is a terrible idea. How can I, in good conscience give somebody something that I refuse to put in my own mouth? For the record, I’ve never eaten a Chalupa in my life, but at least it has lettuce, tomatoes, sour cream and two kinds of shredded cheese. I can’t possibly give this crap to anybody, and I damn sure ain’t gonna stand out in the rain to do it.

mcmuffinNow before anybody wants to give me the “they are homeless, they should be happy to get anything”, I just want to tell you to McFuck-Off in advance. These are human beings we are talking about. Their housing situation does not make them a lesser person than me. I wouldn’t give a McMuffin to my worst enemy. My real anger however, rises from the wasted opportunity. The fact that the team had a perfect chance to do something innovative, something progressive. Instead they paired up with the McNastiest company in the world- to give away a breakfast item! McGeniuses.

So, it is with equal parts regret and relief, that I officially turn in my resignation and will have to find some other creative way to be productive in this crazy world.

In other words, “I McQuit”.

(I would like to extend my most sincere thank yous to everyone who volunteered their time help us make this idea a reality. Most especially, I would like to thank Jason Sayre for his serious dedication. I think he might have even worked more games than me, and I couldn’t have made it happen without him. I would also like to thank the fans for their incredible generosity. I love you Portland.)