vday fail


Women Valentine’s Day. Can’t live with them it, can’t live without them it. This holiday was made to make you look like both a jackass, and prince charming. It’s a fine line to walk… Even if you take the tips below to heart, your wifey still might find a way to say you blew it.  [See image above.]


Good luck, gentlemen.


1. Don’t forget…

Valentine’s Day is TOMORROW. Not some day this month, not one day next week… Tomorrow. You have a matter of hours to get your shit together.

2. Get the right booze

I’m allergic to red wine. #FML. So, when my (now ex-) boyfriend bought an expensive bottle of Merlot for the evening, you better believe I was upset. He blew it. Learn from my ex’s mistake. If you want your wifey liquored up on Valentine’s Day, buy her favorite (and not-allergic reaction inducing) kind of booze.

3. Get flowers, or chocolates, or both

I don’t think I can make it much simpler than this: Turkey is to Thanksgiving, as flowers are to Valentine’s Day. Even if she’s not the “flowers” type, get her flowers. Chocolate too. Or both.

4. Don’t get her…

In addition to the right booze, flowers, and chocolate, you could get her: A gift certificate for a massage, a gift certificate to her favorite store, something thoughtful that has to do with her favorite hobby (maybe, headphones or Apple products?), shoes or other clothing, a designer handbag or other accessories, makeup, music, perfume, the list goes on… The list of things NOT to get her is more important, though: Trashy lingerie, cheap jewelry, a teddy bear, food that’s not Valentine’s Day-related, and cleaning or cooking supplies (unless she really, REALLY enjoys either).

5. No double dates

You can spend time with your other “couple friends” any night. Don’t do it on Valentine’s Day night. You’re supposed to spend Valentine’s Day with your lover. Do that.

6. Manscape

Your wifey is probably at the salon getting waxed as you read this. Do you know what a Brazilian wax is? Do you know what a Hollywood wax is? Do you know how painful both of these are? The least you can do is take out the mini-comb, trimmers, tweezers, and razor and clean up—eyebrows, ears, nose, face, neck, happy trail, and as much as you feel comfortable with down there—please.

7. Dress up

Don’t stop at manscaping; go all out and put on somethin’ purdy for your lil’ lady. What if the roles were reversed? If she got all smooth errrythang, but came over in sweats? Or if she came over dressed in something sexy and barely there, but stayed stubbly? It’s likely that neither of these would do it for you. So, do it for her: Manscape and put on a button-up.

8. Do something special for dinner

At this point it’s too late to make dinner reservations; that doesn’t mean you’re off the hook, though. Instead, cook a special dinner at home. This is one of those situations where “it’s the thought that counts.” You don’t have to cook [read: fail] a gourmet meal, but you have to cook something, anything! Pasta is easy: Boil water, once the water is boiling add noodles, boil the noodles in the water for 15 minutes, pour / strain out water. Baking chicken isn’t hard either: Make sure it’s defrosted, add seasonings like salt and pepper, put in a glass pan and bake at 375° for 45 minutes. Heat some spaghetti sauce over the stove on low, stir for 10 minutes, then pour it over the noodles and chicken and you have yourself a meal!

9. Have a sleepover

Do not go home after dinner. Do not let her go home after dinner. Yes, it’s a weeknight. Yes, NBA might be on… But’s it’s V-Day, prioritize your relationship and cuddle the shit outta her.

10.  Dump her…NOW

If Numbers 1-9 sound like Hell, and if you’ve been planning on dumping your girlfriend anyway, I recommend you dump her immediately. Last year WOHM advised, “On is cruel…and a waste of everyone’s time. After is a waste of everyone’s money. Before is just right.” Hey, it’s just something to think about…


And remember, even if your wifey says she’s okay with or without any of the things above, she’s not, she’s lying. I’ve never met a woman who didn’t lie.